choosing freedom.

I am healed.
I am whole.
I am free.


Those were the words that kept echoing in my head today.


They're unusual words for this time in my life.
See, although I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease almost eleven years ago, the past 21 days have arguably contained the most discouraging hours of my journey with Crohn's.

It started with a sharp abdominal pain one evening, and it all went from there.
I ended up being hospitalized for the first time ever. They couldn't find anything wrong with me, and sent me on my merry way.
Since they discharged me from the hospital 12 days ago, though, I've been consistently exhausted, in pain, and unable to resume my normal activity level.

Please understand: I'm not the type of person to let anything hold me back from living my life.
The fact that I'm sick to the point of it compromising my life is frustrating beyond explanation.

And the fact that I don't know when [or if] it will subside is more discouraging than I know how to articulate.

Yet,

I am healed.

I am whole.

I am free.

In the present tense.

I am healed.
I am whole.
I am free.


…but I'm not.
My body is broken. My soul is discouraged. My mind is burdened.
I might be inclined to believe these words if I perceived them to be true, but I can't think of anything like that in the present tense when I'm so affected by my current physical state.

I read a book last summer called "Heaven is for Real".
One of the concepts in the book that made the most lasting impact on me is about the way time works:
Our earthly perception is that time is linear. Things happen chronologically. In order.
On the other hand, time, to God, is on an X, Y, and Z axis. More than one thing can occur simultaneously.

My earthly body can feel broken to me, but still be healed, whole, and free.

I am healed.

I am whole.

I am free.

I've been learning a lot about spiritual warfare through this, and how Satan can manifest his evil in the physical realm.
We're in a fallen world, and God wouldn't choose this brokenness I'm feeling: On the contrary, He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me.
But while I'm on this earth, God's plans will be sabotaged by the devil.

Still, I am free.
Free from the bondage of this world.
Free from the clutches of Satan.
And free from this body in which I live.

I am healed.

I am whole.

I am free.

I often think of the story in the Bible of the woman who had been bleeding for twelve years, but touched the hem of Jesus' robe and was immediately healed. [Mark 5:24-34]
I can relate to her in so many ways. Chronic illness wears at you in a unique way: It whittles away at the essence of who you are, until finally you're little more than a gray skeleton of a person who was once vibrant.

Anton Chekhov once said, "Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out."

For twelve years this woman bled.
Every single day.
She was weak. She was weary. She was worn down.
Yet she still had faith that she was healed | whole | free in Christ.

What a beautiful assurance.
She came to Christ with the confidence that she would be restored in full.
And through her faith, she was renewed in His strength.

She knew that all she needed to do was to touch the hem of the robe of the Healer, and to believe that He would cast out the illness. the brokenness. the physical manifestations of an imperfect world's spiritual battles.
And, just as she believed would happen, she was healed, she was made whole, and she was freed.


I am healed.
I am whole.
I am free.

And I'm going to cling to the hem of the robe of the One who is mighty to save.