admitting defeat.

I've always struggled with asking people for help.
I was raised that if you don't know how to do something, you figure it out and you do it yourself.

(within reason, of course. if your liver suddenly fails, there's absolutely no shame in having a surgeon perform an operation rather than doing a liver transplant on yourself.)


For the past week, I've been sick.


It's a weird kind of sick, though:

• At some point each day, I have a fever. It doesn't last for more than a couple hours, and it hasn't gotten above 101*. 
• Any time I eat anything, I get really nauseated / sick to my stomach for the next few hours.
• My intestines (which are always a wreck due to my Crohn's Disease) have been bleeding and throbbing and just hating me overall.
• I can't sleep soundly.
• I've been so weak (likely from the amount of blood I'm losing, thanks to my intestines) that almost every time I stand up, I get dizzy.

But have I told anyone? No.
Have I asked for help? Of course not.

Today, I finally admitted that it would be in my (and my students') best interest for me to leave work early. It only made sense; I was leaving every lesson at least once to go get sick.
So I cancelled out my last 3 students of the day, and I went home.

As I was driving home, I reached my breaking point: I knew I needed help.

Matthew 7:7 came to mind: "Ask, and it shall be given to you." [KJV]
And right on its heels came Matthew 21:22, "If you have faith when you pray, you will be given whatever you ask for." [CEV]

That's it? Ask and believe?
Why didn't I do this sooner?
Why is asking God my last resort rather than my first line of defense?


"The power that made the body will heal the body."


I see that on the wall of my chiropractor's office every single week.
Why haven't I internalized it?

I suppose it all comes down to trust.
I've become a worrier.

"What if I pray and God chooses not to heal me?"

"What if I try and it doesn't work how I want it to?"

"What if I take a risk and it backfires?"

The one the wind and waves obey is strong enough to save you.  --Tenth Avenue North, Strong Enough to Save


"If you ask anything in My name, I will do it." --John 14:14 [NKJV]

It doesn't get much plainer than that.

Why is such a simple concept so hard for me to wrap my mind around?





"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us--whatever we ask--we know that we have what we asked of Him." --1 John 5:14-15 [NIV]