I'm not ready to release my Crohn's disease.
I'm not entirely sure what prompted her, but when Ashley asked me tonight if I wanted prayer for healing, I couldn't honestly answer "yes". Sure, I'm tired of being sick all the time. But has it become so much a way of life that I'm unwilling to entertain the idea of trying life without it?
What a warped concept.
I mean, who wouldn't want to be healed from a chronic illness?
[…right?]
Perhaps it's because my identity has become so intertwined with my sickness.
Maybe it's that I get satisfaction from the attaboys I receive from those who admire how I cope with it.
Or maybe I don't wholeheartedly believe that God can (or would) heal me.
"In the corners of my mind, I just can't seem to find a reason to believe that I can break free."--Shackles, MaryMary
Whatever the reason, I didn't ask for prayer for healing.
Instead, I asked for prayer for release.
"Once I've tasted freedom, the chains could bind no more."--What it Means to Be Free, Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir
It's funny how my Crohn's has claimed such a hold on my life.
As much as I hate it, I've become a slave to it.
It dictates my diet. | my finances. | my schedule.
It's become a huge part of my life story.
After all, I have learned a lot through living with chronic illness.
But why am I unwilling to let that go?
It's not enjoyable. It's not fulfilling. It's not something I want to be identified by.
We're supposed to cast our burdens upon God. (Psalm 55:22)
Crohn's disease is certainly more of a burden than it is a blessing.
Logic tells me that I shouldn't want to live a life with chronic illness.
Yet I can't seem to genuinely want healing.
So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound.
This is where the healing begins.
--Healing Begins, Tenth Avenue North
