trying to understand.

You'd think I'd be somewhat over it by now.

It would make sense for me to have moved on with my life.

But it still haunts me.

I still see the impact on my life of the earthquake in Haiti.

Every day.

It has truly changed the way I live.

It's been a lesson in self-discovery.

I didn't realize how crucial the Haiti aspect of my life was to my overall contentment.

I can't not have that as a constant part of my existence.

This morning, I listened to a speaker who was comparing Haiti's earthquake to 9/11.

I was honestly surprised at how strongly I reacted.

My whole body tensed up.

I was legitimately angry at him.

I shouldn't be angry. I realize that he just doesn't understand.

But I couldn't shake it.

2,819 people died in 9/11. [0.00001% of the US's population at the time.]

230,000 people died in Haiti. [2.8% of Haiti's population.]

The estimated cleanup cost from 9/11 is $600 million.

The projected cleanup cost in Haiti is $1 billion.

1,506,124 tons of debris was removed from the World Trade Center site.

An estimated 60,000,000 tons of debris is yet to be removed in Port-au-Prince.

source: nymag.com

I'm not trying to diminish the calamity of what happened on September 11, 2001.

I realize that the scope of thousands of people's lives was forever changed on that day.

There is no way to rectify or justify the attacks.

But please understand, there's no comparison between the two events.

Port-au-Prince has essentially ceased to exist.

"When arriving at a large tent city downtown, our police escort said, 'There is no more Port-au-Prince.' Heartbroken, she stayed inside the truck." -@troylivesay (January 21, 2010)

the famous one.

I've always liked famous people.

I've not really ever had a reason for it, but if someone is famous, I find myself drawn to them.

Last night, I went to a writers round. There were five people participating. I don't typically like writers rounds all that well; I mostly went for the social aspect of the show.

The third time through, one of the people I know played a song of his that nearly everyone in the room knew. It was one of those experiences where music took me to a place that I couldn't understand. It brought me to a mentality that transcended the dingy room where I was sitting.

It was in that moment that I realized that I'm not drawn to famous people; rather, the pull is that of talent. Something of which fame often happens to be a byproduct, but isn't necessarily part of it at all.

I thought of my closest friends, and realized that they're extraordinarily skilled in what they do.

My best friend from high school is one of those people who brings joy to everyone she encounters. She's a master at it. It's rare to have a conversation with her and not feel better afterwards.

My closest friend in college is the most talented violinist I've ever heard. She can make that instrument sing in ways that I can't understand. It goes beyond simply music to a realm that makes you forget anything else exists.

I don't care about fame; I want to surround myself with people who nurture the talents they've been given to make them reach their full potential.

And then a song came to mind. A song I hadn't thought about in years.

You are the Lord, the famous one,

Great is Your name in all the earth.

The heavens declare You're glorious,

Great is Your fame beyond the earth.

God is the master of His craft. Everything He does is perfect, and His renown is well-deserved.

His fame is more than a human response to what He's given; it's the only logical reaction. When faced with that unsurpassed flawlessness, there is no option but to sit in awe and wonder at the fame and beauty of God.

There's nothing more complete and all-encompassing than the works of God. The very essence of who we are is a reflection of Him. We're living in a world we can't begin to understand. Sure, scientists try. Philosophers try. But our finite minds can't begin to scratch the surface of the intricacies of God's creation.

"The fact that what is beyond my understanding is still in front of my eyes is beautiful."

-Bradford Dobbs

Yet we numb ourselves to it. We neglect to realize the thought and precision with which everything in our existence was intentionally fabricated.

Revealed by nature and miracles, You are beautiful.

You are beautiful.

"You have judged many throughout your life. You have judged the actions and even the motivations of others, as if you somehow knew what those were in truth. You have judged the color of skin and body language and body odor. You have judged history and relationships. You have even judged the value of a person's life by the quality of your concept of beauty. By all accounts, you are quite well-practiced in the activity." --Wm. Paul Young, The Shack

it's funny.

Sometimes I can be in a room full of people and still be alone.

I can experience a moving worship experience, and still remain stagnant.

I can sleep all night and still be tired.

I can be in a leadership role and still be a follower.

I can live in a town where I know I'm supposed to be, yet still be discontent.

Funny how that works.

There's a strange dichotomy between what it seems like reality should be, and what reality actually is.

Weird, right?

I've been really into the show LOST lately. [that's an understatement. i've been eating, sleeping, and breathing LOST.] At the point in the show where I am, they're displaying two parallel realities: in one, the plane crashes; in the other, it lands safely at LAX. The characters' lives are completely different in each reality.

It's funny how one seemingly small thing can launch your life in an entirely different direction.

How would my life be different if I'd moved to New York rather than Nashville? Heck, how would it be different if I'd, I don't know, woken up at 8 this morning rather than 10?

Yet there's still a semblance of control in all of this irrationality.

And honestly, that might be what scares me the most.

"All my days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began." (Psalm 139:16b)

My decisions are out of my hands. Sure, I have free will. But that's not going to tamper with God's "plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11b)

It's funny how I can feel so far off course, yet still be exactly where I'm supposed to be.

We're still living our lives.

People in Port-au-Prince are still struggling for theirs.

I talked to my dad again yesterday.

The thing that stood out to me the most about our conversation was what he told me about the mass grave.

Several years ago, I spent a couple weeks in a village between Port-au-Prince and Saint Ard (where my family's mission is), called Titanyen.

That's where the mass grave is.

This village where I met some of my closest friends is now the site of a mass grave.

They're taking all the unidentified bodies there by dumptruck.

I can't imagine how it would feel to know that when you died, your body would be unceremoniously placed in a dumptruck among hundreds of others and deposited into a landfill.

photo credit: REUTERS

A family friend who's currently living in Indianapolis received word a few days ago that his entire family was killed in the earthquake. Unless he was able to go to Port-au-Prince immediately to identify them, they would be placed in the mass grave in Titanyen.

But he couldn't go. He doesn't have the means to fly down to Haiti on a moment's notice.

And even if he had been able to get there, where would he have stayed? His entire family is dead.

He had no choice but to allow his parents', siblings', and cousins' bodies to be taken to a virtual landfill.

My youngest brother had a relatively major surgery a month ago.

Yesterday, my dad talked to his best friend in Haiti on the phone. The first thing his friend, Jean-Marie, said, was, "How's Mitch doing since his surgery? We've been praying for him."

His entire world is literally falling apart, and he's concerning himself with the well-being of a spoiled American kid.

There's something amazing about the Haitian people.

A Haitian friend of mine said this the other day:

"Martin Luther said 'Christ plus nothing equals everything'. I guess we have everything."

"Tout sa ki fet si se pou pou yon byen se pou mal tout bagay nan menw." --Rebecca Jean

Translation: All that has happened, good or bad, is in Your hands.

Sunday thoughts.

Today's sermon was about God's sovereignty.

Not really.

It was about Acts 20.

But you know how sometimes God can speak through totally unrelated things to tell you what He wants you to hear?

Today was one of those days.

I still have a lot of unanswered questions about the devastation in Haiti. I still can't understand it. Probably never will. But God wanted me to know today that He has it all under control. He has the entire world in his grip.

I couldn't focus on the sermon. I kept having random Bible verses come into my head.

There were two that wouldn't leave me alone:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. [Proverbs 3:5]

Be still and know that I am God. [Psalm 46:10]

I still don't know why this is happening, or why it's happening in the country I love more than any other. But I do know that what seems to be chaos is actually under complete control.

It's so easy for me to overlook the fact that this world is a fleeting moment.

photo credit: dailymail.co.uk

"When the visible world of concrete and computers seem to be the real world--I lose touch and have my doubts." --Wm. Paul Young, The Shack